AP fail

Sometimes I just feel like I'm doing a horrible job at this parent thing. I LOVE my kids, but I know I don't show it to them enough.
I have so Little patience these days.. I snap at the smallest thing. I know that has a little to do with my being all hormonal and pregnant and stuff , plus the hubs being deployed..but still it gets to me.
I spank out of anger...when I've ALWAYS said I'd never do that.
I yell, I ignore, I just get it all wrong some days.
My daily prayer is just.. God, help me get this right..more than wrong. But some days I just feel like I get it the opposite.
I've always wanted to be that stereotypical AP mom, but I just FAIL at a LOT of it.

The world already expects our kids to grow up TOO fast.
A 4 year is expected to be able to sit still be quiet and act... like he's 15 already. Well I'll tell you my 4 year old just CANT do that lol. He is loud , he has TONS of energy and when he is tired ..he is WIRED.  We all too often expect our kids to act so "perfect" that we forget that we as adults are FAR from that "perfect" we expect them to be. I catch myself getting mad at my son for spilling something then Ill turn around and spill my own drink and think..well then Jess.. how bout fussing at yourself as well.
We get upset with our kids for doing things we have TOLD them not to do, but how many times do you do something you KNOW you shouldn't?
I guess I'm just not "hip" enough lol to be FULL ON hardcore crunchy LOL.
Some FUN facts about this mom:)
1) I gave birth in a hospital.. twice.. and fully plan to this third time. and GASP epidural ready! Im a wimp when it comes to pain. I could never homebirth.
2) Only bf Dustin 3 months.. but Emmy yea we went a full 22 months..and a little part time after that LOL
3) CO-sleeping parents here def LOL Dustin slept in the bed forever and well ...Emmys beside me in bed now.. We are def gonna need a bigger bed for when this child gets here, lol.
4) I didn't cloth diaper OR babywear Dustin.. but did both with Emmy and plan on both with this child.
5) I TRY to be a little healthier and avoid lots of chemicals in my home.. making my own stuff or buying green and local.

For some people I may look like a boob slinging hippie... but to a lot of hardcore APs, Im still as silky and horrible as the rest of the moms who use sposies and use the cry it out method (to which I do not believe in BTW )

But anyways, I dont vow to change completely overnight...because I know its hard and will take time. But I have some WONDERFUL role model friends (if your reading you know who you are) and I know they will be there to support all my decisions and help me along the way without judging... but all while being honest:)